Joe, Rio, I mean Joe…

June 16, 2020 / Marlo / 9 Comments

I called my dear childhood friend this morning to tell her that my brother is in the ICU and per usual, especially when I am angry, I say my son’s name and not my brother’s. As soon as Rio’s personality developed or maybe my age had something to do with it, my brother Joe’s name and Rio’s name became interchangeable. I would be talking to my brother and call him Rio right to his face. And when I was angry or frustrated with Rio I would call him Joe.

The hard part for me was Rio’s disdain at being called Joe. Rio is more mature now, 14, so it does not land for him the way it once did. But a few years back when the inter change of names flew out of my mouth regularly, Rio was adamant, “Mom stop calling me his name!” Incredulously, “How could you, I am nothing like Uncle Joe!” That hurt me, I know as my adult self what he really meant to say, but his kid self would hurl that at me just as regularly as I called him Joe and Joe, Rio.

Rio, my husband-Luis, my brother-Joe,
2019, he was in CT for our paternal grandmother’s funeral.

My brother is an alcoholic and he is losing his last battle with alcoholism. It is the last stand at the ok corral. As I write this I am on a plane headed to Florida, mask on, plane packed, even with alternating seats. I am shocked. I definitely have kept to my small bubble of quarantine. My brother is in ICU, and it doesn’t look good, so of course I am on a plane. Here is the heavy part, he may not even survive through his withdrawal. They said “if “ he survives withdrawal. This is the first time I have heard that. So if I can hold his hand during his withdrawal, let him know how much I love him, I will. My brother Joe, with more than nine lives, is this your last life ?

Alcoholism is a disease and there is no cure for my brother. When I was convalescing after my surgery of a colon resection because of a cancerous tumor, Joe, through tears, said I had it easy, because everyone recognized my disease. He said the world does not recognize his disease. In a certain way I felt he passed the buck and wasn’t taking any ownership of his own life. But what I really heard loud and clear was this, I am in pain, I am sad, I have no control and I can’t help myself, I need help but I really don’t want it. I don’t have the will power even though I say I do, when will this all end?

Me and my brother in California around 1994. He came with me to see my work in an exhibition. This photograph was taken in a live art piece, inside of a camper, dress up and get your picture taken. We were living together in Arizona.

Addiction is trauma soothing, I can’t pick from Joe’s traumas, our traumas and tell you which one did him in? No, but as we go through this moment and feel pain about this battle the people closest to him are pointing fingers and blaming this trauma and that trauma. Joe will be 50 years old December 31, 2020. When is he old enough to own his own shit? I know I can’t fix or cure my brother’s disease as much as we all have tried. My brother has been in charge ….since a long time ago.

Since my brother left Arizona in the early 2000’s and moved closer to our mother, he has been in and out of hospitals, rehabilitation facilities, on his death bed, super healthy, come clean only to say “they said I could drink once in a while” and then we wouldn’t hear from him and he was gone again. In his late teens he was flown home in an emergency situation and diagnosed with pancreatitis. I feel like that moment directed his life journey, it was set before him and out of anyone’s control, most importantly his.

My brother asked that I not announce his private matters publicly. I am going against his wishes as he deserves better, he deserves a world wide recognition of the beautiful person he is, and also his pain and suffering. Joe, the young boy I knew the best, who reminds me so much of my innocent son Rio, deserves a full lived and loving life. And since you won’t listen to any of us, I am telling you here, I love you Joe, the little boy in you and the man in you.

Traveling in My Mind

May 23, 2020May 24, 2020 / Marlo / Leave a comment

Oddly enough quarantine allowed me to discover that I need some time off. I gave myself freedom to create a space to travel in, and be creative and be in the “zone”.

One of the pieces I worked on inspired by the class in the link below.

A month ago Adoni and I started an art class called Spread Your Artistic Wings through Intuitive Art with Maria Fondler-Grossbaum. I had purchased this class in the fall of 2019. I did it in an effort to “create” during my time in Dominican Republic… before Rio and Baseball in DR took over. And of course it didn’t happen, I couldn’t make the time and when I did try I didn’t have internet to actually watch the tutorials. So many excuses per my usual life. Or I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. We live a very busy life, a full life.

Checking out my materials, Dominican Republic, January, 2020.

https://abyssimo.teachable.com/p/spread-your-artistic-wings-through-intuitive-art

In my current mindset all I want to do is travel inward not outward. For the first time in years I just want to be in that creative zone and create. While Adoni and I worked that second day we created for hours. He emerged from the “zone” because his tummy was calling for food. When he looked at the time he was surprised. We had been traveling inward for 3 hours. Since, I have secretly cried multiple times as I miss THIS. In one of Maria’s classes she makes a joke about being philosophical talking about traveling inward. Granted this video was made long before Covid-19, long before quarantine. In it she challenges everyone to travel inward and even suggests that we don’t need to pay for travel to far away places to feel freedom and relaxation. That if we allow ourselves to open our minds and draw freely without judgment we can travel very far.

One of the pieces I worked on inspired by the class in the link above.

And I did, I went to the “zone”. Truthfully I am not sure I will be coming back to the life I was living anytime soon. So please excuse me if I don’t want to meet up, join the gathering or fly some where because I am already there in my mind, in my creative place.

One of Adoni’s pieces inspired by the class in the link above.

Perspective

May 16, 2020May 16, 2020 / Marlo / Leave a comment

It has been a year since we traveled to Arizona, a birthday wish of mine. I said “mine”. My family wanted to go. They were super excited about doing something we have never done before. But truth and reality certainly out way my romanticized view of this beautiful place. A photographer and artist at heart, even a naturalist, I have lived through an artist’s perspective of this place. However, I want to talk about my son’s experience.

Adoni’s notes after we returned from Arizona.
He did have a good time but chose to focus on the hard parts for him to digest. I did the little sketch. That is his handwriting.
May, 2019.

This week, when I asked Adoni to remember our trip and some of his favorite parts he said he didn’t have any good memories. His most profound memory was about the pain he felt. We were told by the tour guide about the number of people who died in the previous of months. It was shocking. This statement put the fear of God in all of us but mostly my husband. I will not throw my husband under the bus right now and blame him. However, I will say his love and desire to keep our wildest child safe hindered Adoni’s experience in Adoni’s mind. Adoni still can’t formulate a full intellectual response, but he said “you guys wouldn’t let me see anything, you embarrassed me”. He can detail the exact moment and movements that lead up to Luis’ fight or flight response to Adoni’s actions.

As I am the one homeschooling the kids and Luis is out bringing in the income, I am the one who is adventurous, leading the kids out in nature. What I don’t get about Luis’ fears and concerns with Adoni is that Luis grew up a free and wild child himself. My guess is that he had the village always looking out. We don’t have the village. Either way I have allowed Adoni to explore in a way that pushed me, heightening my own fears. This gave him freedom to grow emotionally and physically, to learn boundaries. That trust was missing while we were in Arizona. Factor in the fact that we haven’t traveled as a family to unknown places. This was a huge learning experience for Luis- HUGE.

I put these pictures together to show Adoni. There were moments of joy for Adoni. I don’t have many photos of him with the group as he choose to stay solo.

I shared his notes with him. He smiled and thought about these moments. He had forgotten and he said so. He admitted that his best memories were being with his cousins.

Freedom to Run and Roam

April 21, 2020June 16, 2020 / Marlo / Leave a comment

In this current moment of quarantine we are having more movie nights. I convinced the family to watch Stand By Me. At first they had too much to say about how it is old, and who cares and all the typical kid stuff, and not enough guns for Luis. Soon after the movie started they became invested, the characters were relatable.

‘Stand by Me’ at 30: Why This Stephen King Movie Is Timeless

Adoni at the railroad tracks here in our town.

In 2020 and all the way back to the days my kids were born, a kid’s freedom to run and roam is long gone. This movie gives glimpses into the life my boys love. Maybe today in USA if a kid lives on a farm or near woods they are lucky. Some would even call this a crisis of this generation, kid do not have freedom to roam. The picture above with Adoni was taken by me but the meeting happened by accident. He told me he was riding his bike down in an area of town that has been closed off for people to get exercise during quarantine. He didn’t exactly lie but on his way home he went exploring. I had decided to go for a walk and there he was. He was riding his bike on a route I walked a million times when I was a kid, the train tracks. He wanted to show his friend (with social distancing in mind), the route to my grandmother’s old house. This was a bold move on his part. He screamed to me, “hey I was getting my phone out to call you” yeah right.

Adoni and I went back to explore. He has a mask on.

My boys know my story about my own cross with death near these tracks. Maybe in a different post I will write about my story.

Adoni and his cousins in mountains of Dominican Republic. Over the course of a month they collected thousands of coquito nuts, organized, donated for dulce, cracked and ate and most importantly played a game where they won and lost them. The game is similar to marbles. In order to play they have to remove the outer shell.

This is a few years old, but a favorite photograph of mine shot in Dominican Republic. Rio, cousin Angelo and Adoni in the back.

Rio and Adoni are lucky because we live two lives in two different countries and there are different freedoms in each country. Their age now is giving them more freedom, living on a dead end street and homeschooling also give them some freedom. But in the Dominican, mountains and family and climate have created a vast place to explore to be a kid and create a stories, ones that might even be a story line for a movie.

Thank You

April 10, 2020April 10, 2020 / Marlo / Leave a comment

A room with a view. It was my view inside looking out in June 2015. I was recovering from a surgery, one that thankfully saved my life. I had a colon resection in order to see if the cancer that was found during a colonoscopy had metastasized. It had not. My recovery room had a view of my house, the back of my house. I live a 5 minute walk from Bristol Hospital, where I had my surgery.

I can’t really explain in words, the feeling and comfort I felt knowing I could see my house from my hospital room. I also was on heavy duty pain meds, so my feelings were a bit intense. I swore I had taken a photograph of that view but after skimming back through I regretfully didn’t. I do have a photograph of the plants and flowers from friends and family, in that window, but not the “view”.

Fast forward to the present moment. My view, from my house, from my back porch, from my garden, is of Bristol Hospital. Occasionally, I have a fleeting memory of my time in the hospital but always I am thankful. The building is always there to remind me.

This current stay home, stay safe has me seeing the hospital a lot. And my thoughts are full of hope and sadness. I am thinking about all the folks working at the hospital and the folks who have been admitted to the hospital, and everyone all over our country, Dominican Republic and the world. Wow, that is overwhelming.

On my end of the street there are 4 medical people and several essential people who live here. Once upon a time in my former art life I made several public art pieces, including a banner that was done without permission and I hung it from a building in downtown Hartford. I am still not sure how I really pulled that off. Those were the days when I was more passionate about all things art. This week I felt inspired to make a banner to hang on the backside of our house for all the people at Bristol Hospital and our town of Bristol, CT.

From Marlo and the boys, Thank you. Thank you to everyone who is doing the hard work. ❤️

The cheese touch…

March 26, 2020March 27, 2020 / Marlo / Leave a comment

If only it could be as simple as the cheese touch. Thanks Diary of the Wimpy Kid, for some comic relief in such a difficult time. If only it was as simple as crossing my fingers and the virus wouldn’t come my way, anybody’s way. I want it to go away. Yesterday, Wednesday was a breaking point for some friends and family. I found myself reading this book to my husband late last night, little did I know the book I grabbed in the dark would reflect something similar to what is really going on around us. Only thing different is this virus is real and changing the world as we know it.

My husband was having a hard time last night, too much information and too many things out of his/our control. We have family here in Connecticut, in various parts of New York, where it currently is most affected, Florida and Dominican Republic and other areas too. I know we are reflecting every other family out there. But that doesn’t make it any easier to not feel out of control. The unknown, not knowing if we will ever see our moms, dad, brothers, sisters, extended family and friends at the end of this.

Our family has been watching a series on Netflix called All American, amazing show on so many levels. My take away from this Novela, as my husband calls it, is communication. And with that communication comes men, and their boys or children who are talking about their feelings. There are women and girls too but I am raising boys who will become men who need to know how to communicate, speak up for themselves and share their story. The timing of this viewing couldn’t be more perfect given the circumstances we are living in. Earlier this week, although not Corona virus related but my younger son felt compelled to share something with me that was bothering him. This is a huge win in uncertain times, I am happy that he felt he could talk to me.

Thursday March 26, 2020. Adoni eating grapefruit and enjoying the sun.

Thankful for a new day and the sun. Although it was still chilly at noon, 50ish degrees, my husband and I started painting the front of our house. Since we own a painting business the painting of our own house had been put on the back burner for 2 years straight as paying jobs took precedent. Not this year though, to help my husband feel in control of something we prepared last week and ordered the paint. Even though business is not at all normal, he, with my help, can maintain some sense of dignity by staying busy painting our own home.

This link I found helpful. A friend shared with me- thank you.

https://vimeo.com/399733860

And Poof… It Is Over

March 19, 2020March 19, 2020 / Marlo / Leave a comment

It is not a magic thing, but it all happened so fast it felt like magic. Will there be a grand ending? We know the answer will not have any magic. I am writing this post to officially say goodbye to the people we didn’t have a real chance to say goodbye to. We just up and left- like radical. Although most of the boys will never even see the post I am writing it anyway for closure.

We left the Dominican 6 days ago and I feel like I have a hole inside. Rio maybe feels something but he is so 14, in his mind, he is elsewhere. Me, I am stuck with all these faces and relationships that we were building with coaches, trainers, trainees, baseball loving youth, apartment mates, new friends and some family who live in the city of Santo Domingo.

Rio catching.

In the photo above, Ramon Delgado, the trainer and Pedro his assistant along with the boys watch Rio. So about 25 days with these guys, one can’t deny a relationship forming. We intended to be in DR for 3 months or more.

Genaro, an American Dominican kid training like Rio and Rio.

Remember when I had said Rio hadn’t even seen the ocean. That weekend with Genaro he had gone to a dance party for kids, then next day they went to a private club by the ocean. So yes he did in fact see the ocean before we left.

Rio as catcher and Pedro giving advice.

Our roommates, Katy and her helper Altagracia, helped us figure out the city. Katy helped me learn how to be on my toes and be safe. Our cousin Mariel helped us too. I was looking forward to being able to say that I lived in the city, and we survived! It has been many years since I had a roommate and certainly a new experience for Rio.

And with this I say goodbye, con Dios. I really hope that we will see everyone again. The latest I have read about COVID-19 is that we will be looking at months-many months before we even see something called normal again. There is no magic in that.

Rio arriving at practice with a kid who shows up every morning just to hang out and get things for people if needed. Sweet kid.

Corona 2020

March 14, 2020March 14, 2020 / Marlo / 2 Comments

Not sure if you believe in signs but this morning I woke and the last sign arrived in a message to Rio’s phone via WhatsApp. With in an hour I purchased tickets for us to fly home to be with Luis and Adoni. On one hand I had romanticized our experience here in DR. I truly believed we would be fine in DR, Rio doing his baseball and me making sure we were all set. I too was working out at the gym with a trainer. We were going 3 times a week. Although I thought we would be able to do much more during our days here in DR. At best all we could muster was his practice and the gym during the week, movies once a week and maybe going away on the weekend. And Corona virus is not really on the island, after all there are only 5 cases, so they say.

My hair, I washed it yesterday and there was a clump of hair in my hand. Oh, something isn’t right.
We had plans this weekend to go to our house in the mountains, our nephew who lives in the house is sick, like really sick, I learned this last night. Also our ride fell through. Side note, I felt that if we need to go to our house in the mountains in case the virus took over we would be safe there. I was not feeling that after learning about these details.
The ominous message that came on the phone from unknown person. It said get ready, buy a water, candles and food, after the elections on Sunday, on Monday everything is going to close down.

You know when you just don’t feel complete or right, also Rio commenting that he really wanted to go home. At first listen, I thought he was feeling that way as the baseball thing is HARD. But think about it, we are a homeschooling family, we are together all the time. Now granted, my kids need to have growing pains and experience tough things. But maybe in a time of crisis it is not necessary. And lastly and maybe most important, Adoni is a healthy kid, but he is also my allergy kid who has asthma. My son is immuno-compromised. I want to be home with him. Our town and state are closing things left and right. The USA is also banning certain countries from flying into the country. I decided I don’t want to be stuck here in DR, living the dream.

Please stay safe and hope the curve flattens.

Who goes to the salon once a week? Dominicans do.

March 8, 2020March 9, 2020 / Marlo / 2 Comments

Today is international women’s day and although this post has been in the works for a while now I thought it appropriate to publish it today.

When I first experienced this idea of the “salon” in DR, I honestly didn’t understand why. Why would I go through so much trouble to straighten my hair when in no short time it would be back wild and frizzy. That was my understanding of the salon-putting rolos-curlers in the hair- an addiction to have straight hair. Well I am partially wrong. I missed the part called family and women doing things together. Let’s think about the salon as a woman’s world and woman’s work and most importantly companionship.

My grandmother and her sisters set their hair with curlers, slept with those damn things, and this happened regularly. I thought of it as quaint, something from the past, but I missed the point. What an ass I am/was. In my defense, my mother never did her own hair in curlers and certainly never taught me to do mine. I was also a teenager in the 80’s when everyone who had straight hair got a perm to make big hair. My perspective has been about the art of it- the finish, not necessarily the process – and companionships. My grandmother, the one not looking in the picture, had 5 sisters and they had a beautiful bond and one that lasted. Maybe I am romanticizing it by saying that they confirmed those bonds over and over by doing each other’s hair. My great aunt Freda is still alive! She will be 94 this year, beautiful soul, she is the one pictured far right.

Here in DR, it seems to be a right of passage of women to learn how to put hair en rolos, one female member of the family passes it onto the next. I totally understand there is the immense history of hair straightening here and Dominicans are the best at it. The roots aren’t necessarily from a good place, and I really can’t bring up rollos with out mentioning the roots. See the link below, a trusted friend Ruth, shared this link with me.

Natural Hair Is Still Under Attack in the Dominican Republic

My salon experiences over the last couple of months here in DR. They were Joyful and full of family and companionship even if I didn’t understand every word.

At this moment I would prefer to think of the salon as self care and comfort. So I will announce that I have had an awakening about self care and salons since the summer of 2019 when my cousin did my hair for the first time. Thank you Andrea. It has only taken me 18 years to figure it out, or my entire adult life?! I say 18 years because I have been traveling to DR since 2002. As my friends know, I am not a regular attendee of salons, nor do I do my nails at salons. How regular of me, or boring or conservative with my money, call it what you want but it hasn’t been my thing.

Me volunteering in the Bodyshop at Wasteland 2019, California.

I am an artist and I think it is time that I allow myself to enjoy self care experiences versus thinking about the art of it all. I worked at Miss Porter’s School, an all girls boarding school. I was the photography teacher there for 14 years, I loved my job. It is interesting to know that the other part of my job was heading the costume, hair and make up crew. I was in the position of doer, not receiver- 14 years!!! Don’t get me wrong, I always saw what I was doing as art, start to finish and I was proud of my work. So to bring this post full circle, I have always been in the position of companionship but not always receiving the care or allowing myself to take it in fully. And for some reason, this year, family is what brought it up for me in a way I hadn’t noticed before.

Hard week, soul searching.

March 7, 2020March 8, 2020 / Marlo / Leave a comment

Can a 14 year old go deep, know his reasons for doing things, feel passionate? How do we as his parents help keep him motivated and do the thing he said he wants to do? Is it really our job? How do we help him to not throw in the towel because this thing called baseball training is super hard? And let me remind you we are on a tropical island a couple of blocks away from the ocean. He hasn’t even seen it yet since our arrival 3 weeks ago.

We have a cousin who is one of Rio’s biggest fans, his name is Checo, he is in his 40’s. He is pretty persistent with his feelings about Rio and baseball. This is what he said, in Spanish of course but I will translate. Rio is tall, elegant and beautiful. He has the capacity to play baseball therefore he should play. Not everyone has that opportunity or is gifted the ability. Rio is loved by everyone here in Los Dajaos, DR ( where Rio’s dad is from) and Rio loves everyone back. His ability to love the children here is felt by everyone. Checo said a reason for Rio to play, his motivation should be to give something back to the community of Los Dajaos, do it for the children.

Rio in 2017 playing with one of our cousins.

All in all, my thoughts over the course of this week can’t be jotted down in a blog and maybe should be left right where they are- in my head. Rio said he had a tough week but in the end he is happy. We slept in today and went to the gym. He is currently playing Fortnite online with his brother in USA. Rio will finish his weekend by hanging out with a new friend tonight, a Dominican American kid who is here doing the same thing as Rio.

With Love, Marlo and the Boys

We are going for a ride!