Art

If You Could Be Your Own Superhero, What or Who Would You Be?

/ Marlo / Leave a comment

Let’s catch up on my life, it was like all of a minute that I was on the journey to get certified, to teach art in public high school, here in CT. I busted my ass to finish 18 credits and pass the Art Praxis Test. Two of the classes that I completed don’t count towards certification, this was a real zinger. There was a misunderstanding and I have to take two more classes. We won’t express how angry I was! Fast forward to the present moment where teaching fell to the back burner because I have decided to open an Art Studio with two women. Put the brakes on, wait what!!?? Yes, I am part of a new business opening in Bristol. I am thrilled. http:/www.creativejamartco.com

Because of our new biz, we were vending this past Sunday, at a public place. We advertised our presence publicly. Because of social media and all that….this happened….

A woman and her family show up at our table and she asks for me, by my name. It takes me all of a second to know who is standing before me. I will call her H in respect of her privacy. She pulls out a polaroid from 1997. At first I am speechless and honestly, a few days later, as I write this, I still don’t have the right words to describe what happened. I cried, this I can say with no shame. We embraced and we both had a good cry. Honestly, how does one respond in this moment, with open arms and acceptance of what is.

H on the left, me on the right, in the Polaroid. I always took Polaroids of my students. I took her on a trip to NYC.

I was pursuing a teaching certification because I want to give back to my community. I want to give back the way I was given to by my 7th/8th grade art teacher. I mention him often, Mr. Johnson. He has the best spot in my heart. Our art club, at my middle school, was a safe place for me. I could just be, and be me.

Me and my Girl!

H showing up, seeking me out, to tell me that I was there for her, that I “saw” her and that I made a difference in her life, is no small task. It has been about 25 years since we last saw each other. She has a story, we all do. But hers, well, I crossed her path at a place called “Gray Lodge Shelter for Women, a residential treatment program for young women ages 12 – 18 located in Hartford, CT. The Shelter for Women was founded in 1889, and for over a century it has provided shelter and support services for young women in need.” This was my first real teaching experience and I loved that it was at a place for girls in need. That sounds silly to say now, but my 27 year old self thought I could learn how to teach art there and be useful. I was in grad school at Hartford Art School and my thesis work was centered in trauma. My work tested the hot spots of trauma, how it manifests in adult life.

Gray Lodge is now used by The Village of Families and Children in Hartford.

With bravado, I walked in the doorway of Gray Lodge to teach some very difficult but lovable kids, who were acting out their traumas. I, too, was a full on trauma kid – but my needs were being addressed. Thanks to my mom for seeing that both my brother and I needed help, so she found us a counselor. I was about 9 years old. I continued seeing this specific counselor until she passed away. I was in my mid 30’s. Me and the girls at Gray Lodge had a lot more in common than I realized.

H’s photo’s from our fashion show. I am in the bottom, left photo. H is in the top photo. She kept a photo album.
Group shot of all the girls wearing their Power Suits!

I had a grand idea and we spent months attempting to make this idea come to be. We made our own super hero outfits, outfits with POWER. My intention was a grand finale, a fashion show. I challenged the girls to make an outfit that would give them all the power in the world to do and to be the person who they wanted to be. Little did I know, or comprehend, that each girl would go through an incredible emotional feat while working on their Power Suit. Some only got as far as the drawing, some spent days in the biggest anxiety filled emotions, refusing to work on or finish their Power Suit. Some, absolutely, decided to NOT finish it. Others refused to walk out on stage, and others cried because no one came to see them and yes, there were girls who did have family/people come and that was too difficult, they too, refused to walk out on stage also. The amount of emotional rollercoaster strength that came from that experience has guided me over the years.

Making Art isn’t always about the piece, the product, or the thing. It is about the journey, the joys and pains, the walk abouts, the indecision, and the finally the decision to just stop.

I never went into teaching to “make a difference” I went into it to teach art and by doing so, by opening the door to the unlimited possibilities of what art can be and what that means, I made a difference anyway.

As for H, I stayed in touch with her for about a year after I left Gray Lodge. She is now a counselor here in CT, and this is truly remarkable. She has her own Power Suit now, one that fits her really well.

I have been given permission to use these photos and talk a bit about H. – Thank you.

I See You, Lessons in Listening

/ Marlo / Leave a comment

I feel sage yet I have only lived half my life, but I have lived…a lot. To be honest, I never thought I would make it to 35. That was my cut off age when I was a teen and here I am now, 53. My life as a child was intense and overwhelming. My mother brought my brother and me to see a counselor, maybe I was 10 years old. Thank you Mom. Although there were a few years of not seeing someone, I have essentially seen a counselor my whole life.

My brother Joe and me, at my grandmother’s house. I am around 10 years old.

How does one get to be called an old soul. My friend declared herself an old soul. People declared my younger son an old soul. I always felt like an old soul. Why?

Does carrying the burden of trauma make one an old soul, especially trauma in childhood? I don’t really have an answer but that might be the answer for me. I know there are spiritual thoughts about souls moving from one to another through birth and death and there are references to receiving an old soul.

This week has brought many emotions. I am in the lush mountains of Dominican Republic and this place can do that to me. My senses are awakened, my sage, my old soul is sensitive. The mountains, fresh air, the food, music and DR culture, yeah I am awake and I am listening. I am here at an incredible financial cost to our family, the guys will be joining me next week. Traveling during holiday time to DR is basically financially insane. However, this year is important as I have mentioned before, it is the 20th anniversary of my first trip here, incredible. Second, my son Rio is a junior in high school and after this year I can’t say when he will be here again. I want us here as a family one last time before a new chapter begins. There is no doubt Adoni will be back whenever possible, he loves the mountains.

As I am making my rounds visiting family here, with people who have cared for me since I crossed the threshold of their doorstep, before Luis and I even considered marriage, I am struck by the absolute love and loss that has passed since my last visit 2019/20. I want to add this community is small, I am walking here and there, or a short motorcycle ride to see people. Upon seeing me, she, a cousin of Luis, begins sobbing. I am surprised at first but then I am not. We both have shared many tears in the past about this or that, important words shared between two women who have lived life. So I sit and listen as she shares the loss of her father, the loss of herself over and over to her children, to her larger family and now to her mother as she is in the last leg of her life and bedridden. And somehow even through my broken Spanish from my very first trips we always seem understand each other. And I listen.

That same night during the middle of the night I received a message from a young person in their early 20’s. I guess I can call this person a former student even if that time was short. I always reached out when I could. That person felt they could share with me their fears and their current health situation. The information shared with me left me speechless and brought me to tears. I read their message and then said I would listen.

That same morning the overwhelmingly public showing of love and sadness over the of loss of a delightful, dancing and humble person, tWitch, who touched so many people via several sources including The Ellen Show and Tik Tok. Because of the manner in which he died by suicide, so many people are devastated and are also saying out loud “I am here to listen”.

But are we listening, are we? Coincidentally another friend, also former student, just wrote in social media today and said “I asked you to be here and check in and you all said you would but you didn’t.”

Thank you for saying it out loud.

Teaching has given me many students to listen to. Somehow the darkroom….always the darkroom …allowed students to say what needed to be said in their manner… the cave. Recently, a former student offered to write a recommendation for my application for teaching positions. She had no idea that writing the recommendation became a reflection on her life over the last 21 years. I could see it, hear it, feel it in her words, my heart was so full. She said “it was great to reflect on all that I gifted to her” and part of that gift was listening. And now she “listens too” in her profession as a social worker.

I have started so many blogs and have not finished them during this last year. I am just signing off on this one and not lingering over whether it sounds right, etc. Please, open your hearts and see the signs and listen. I will continue to do what I can, and you should too, my old soul is demanding it of you.

General Crisis. https://www.crisistextline.org/

Support to the LGBTQ young adult community. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Depression and Suicide. https://988lifeline.org/

Eating Disorder Hotline. https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/

Sexual Assault Hotline. https://www.rainn.org/

Dating Abuse and Domestic Violence. https://www.loveisrespect.org/

Mental Illness Hotline. https://www.nami.org/help

Veterans Crisis Line. https://www.mentalhealth.va.govsuicide_prevention/

Always Learning Something

/ Marlo / 2 Comments

What is the big deal? The big deal is that I have completed 6 classes towards my teacher certification. Both boys are in public school now and yes, I even started a teaching job three weeks ago. I have one more class and the Praxis test and then I will be finished. This past week I finished my final exams for my art classes at Tunxis Community College here in CT. Little did I know that when I signed up for these classes I would find the thing that makes me sing, the artistic impulse that has been tucked away for a very long time. I know I am a good student and I was in “student” mode. On our first day we had to write a note to our selves and the professor gave them back to us this week before our critiques. I had forgotten about the note. Reading my note addressed to myself, I was filled with awe. I wished myself “Lucky” success as if that “y” was an astrick of glitter or sparkle or fairy dust that would grant my wishes. I suppose it was a spelling error, no matter, to my surprise I did a what I set out to do!

While I was home schooling our kids, raising our kids all my creative energy went into that. I am a very good multitasker but my creative flow concerning my art, well it was not flowing.

While attending classes, of course I saw myself as a student. Not sure why I feel the need to compartmentalize but being artist and being student where not mutual, not one in the same. I went into my art classes as a student not as an artist. However, my artist self appeared and is here to stay.

Part of this certification process allowed me to take classes in my area of interest. Art classes – YEAH! I wanted in person, not on line, something practical like Electronic Drawing and Painting and something new to me, Illustration. The way I felt about my decision was my willingness to be super open and ready for a challenge, learn something new, just jump in. A prerequisite for these classes was drawing 2. In my undergraduate experience I had taken 6 drawing classes, I think that qualified me. But I had to have a discussion with the enrollment person to verify this… slightly annoying to me. I bring this up to say that after I started to produce work for my assignments and I shared with my peers, friends, family they also forgot that I DO have this experience or ability. Maybe I forgot too.

My life is busier than it has ever been and I somehow found the time to focus, be in art flow, leave my work area…aka dining room table and leave it a mess, spend 5 minutes working, go do life and then come back. I was switching hats, artist, mom, student, wife, friend and back again. I MISSED this so much. The assignments from both classes were every bit of a lot and a little of all of what I needed. My professor, Jackie Decker, was amazing, joyful and was the perfect cure to my missing artist.

I know time and perspective have a lot to do with perception but my youthful art making days were filled with dark, intense, questioning, and provocative artwork all of which I loved. I was even a snob about pretty things, I was anti sweet and beautiful things. We joked about it, I still have a prickly edge going on today but nothing like the past. I didn’t mean to and as you can see below, that edge is still there. But is different now.

Wasteland Warrior
Emperor Tamarin as Samurai
Aloe Vera-fruit, flower, veggie portrait

I bring all this up to say that not only did I tap into my flow and get into my creative groove but I also found a way into making art that is sweet, and yes, beautiful. I have experienced so much trauma in my life, I deserve to be able to make art that is free of that. In our first critique in the illustration class, I was expecting what I was familiar with- harsh, critical and even brutal. Please do not get me wrong. I thrived on that, like give it to me because I want my work to be the best. However, that is not how this professor works. She moved and spoke from a place of joy and sweetness and she uplifted her students, and more importantly -ME.

All excuses aside I showed up to my final for electronic drawing and painting with what I consider unfinished work. I have an idea that has been in my heart for a few years now and I have not been able to translate it to paper. I decided to attempt the ideas for my final. It took me a while to “just do it”. With starting a new job and the kids’ baseball and life there really wasn’t much time to “finish it”. And without getting caught up in all the art speak, my unfinished pieces were in fact perfectly finished. After hearing the responses from my classmates and my professor I was filled with such emotion I wanted to cry. Not unusual for me but it is a truth. Pure joy – wow.

The details of my ideas are not a surprise to my family and friends. I have been wanting to write and illustrate a children’s book but I was not happy with my ideas. They were not illustrating a feeling that I wanted to portray. However, I never imagined that by the end of my semester class I would be closer to my goal … and well, I am! I have set my summer plans in motion. 20-30 illustrations ? Agent finding me a publisher? Publisher saying yes?

Rio Bakes Cakes. I am a boy and I bake cakes. I made these images in Procreate.

My boys inspire me in so many ways. The baking experience brought joy to our whole family. We learned to love deserts and we even became aficionados, aka desert snobs. This story is about that joy of learning, living, loving and just being. I thank my boys everyday for what they have taught me. Through my art classes this semester I was able to find my way. I am forever grateful. A book is in the works.

Knowing the Value of Something…

/ Marlo / 1 Comment

December 31 is my brother’s birthday, and in honor of him I decided to write. Back in February, I started the process to become certified to teach in the state of CT. Although I have taught in private schools and college, I still have quite a bit of work that is expected of me, 18 credits, a US History course and passing the Praxis test. My first class was in June and I took three this fall. Be grateful that you didn’t have to experience my whiny self, figuring out the details of how to become certified. Let me tell you, I whined a lot, even cried.

What I want to talk about is the transcripts. I had to purchase and send my transcripts to the state and to every college that I planned to take a class at. I had a paper copy of my graduate school transcript sent to my house. When I opened it, I gloated, felt proud of myself and gave my own self a pat on the back. I graduated with a 3.82 GPA. However, I did not have a transcript from my undergraduate school sent to my house. I am not sure of my reasoning but it will become clear, and maybe, in the end, it really doesn’t matter. When I opened the email to see my transcript, my jaw dropped. Um yeah, I am not even sure where to start.

I created a story about myself. This story I thought was a truth, until this past summer, when I realized it is not. It is easy to forget things that are hard. I am not sure how many of you know how difficult my undergraduate experience was, especially in the beginning.

The story that I remembered about myself is that I only failed a couple of classes and got a couple of D’s at UCONN. But the truth is I got like ten or more D’s AND failed classes in my five years at UCONN. After seeing my transcript, this past Spring, I was left kind of speechless. If I could paint my cheeks red I would. I was so embarrassed and I had to share this information, again! My grades were terrible!

I would like to back track a bit. Because in reality why am I embarrassed? A lot happened but my worth is more than a grade. As I was looking for a photograph to share in this post I found this from my brother. It appeared like a kiss from above.

Considering that I wanted to honor my brother today, he in turn is honoring me and asking me to honor myself. I love you Joe.

In my freshman year, I failed two classes and got at least one D. I can come up with so many reasons as to why, but is it worth writing it down? I wasn’t prepared, I didn’t care, I partied too hard, I was working multiple jobs and on and on. I was the only Latina in my dorm. It was the first year they stopped allowing kegs in the dorms and I lived in an area that was called the Jungle at UCONN. That name speaks for itself.

My required classes were a series of unfortunate events. My Astronomy professor liked to stand with his foot on the chair in his cheesy track suit, basically putting his crotch in my face, eventually I moved to the back of the huge lecture hall. I barely passed the class. My History professor gave me a D- minus on my first paper of the class. I wrote about the men, in All Quiet on the Western Front, as creating a force together. He wrote on my paper, “This is not Star Wars” and didn’t offer to help me correct my paper. My Philosophy teacher refused to work with me, he told me that some people just don’t get that part of his class and pushed me out the door. My drawing teacher made fun, commented and pushed and poked at me. He was relentless, eventually I stopped going. To be fair, I had a handful of amazing art professors that helped make me the person I am today. The only thing I truly remember for any of the required classes was an anthology of British writers from the 19th Century for an English class.

It only took me five years, but I did graduate. A lot worked against me but I was bigger than all of it. I started my sophomore year of college with my mouth wired shut. I was in a terrible car accident that I caused, in which I survived with only a broken jaw and thankfully no one else was hurt. Although, there was much pain for me and my mom and my family, something huge happened because of that accident. I squeaked out of the claws of alcoholism and never looked back. My jaw reminds me every day of that accident.

I was 18, just a baby. It took me a couple of years to be accepted into the art school at UCONN. Eventually, I found my way and graduated with a Bachelor’s in Fine Arts with a focus in photography. I finished my education with a Master’s in Fine Arts also with a focus in photography at University of Hartford, Hartford Art School.

I have created this blog for my kids. I want them to know that some things in life don’t come easy. Sometimes they are so hard we forget the hard part for a reason. A grade or GPA does not define a person, or me or my worth.

With my grandmother Rena, and my mother, Pam, who looks like a baby herself here in this picture, at my high school graduation. The photograph itself is a bit mistreated, I did not alter it. There is no picture of my graduation from UCONN.